When you are traveling along the pathways of divorce, you encounter many surprises...both welcome and unwelcome. When I first filed for the termination of my marriage, I spoke the very 'd' word in a shameful whisper, with downcast eyes. In spite of the pain that I experienced in my marriage, I felt that I had disappointed my family and church. What would people think of me? Would I be accepted as a divorced woman, especially a divorced PASTOR, at my church? For a long period of time, I had grappled with the approval of others. I wanted others to both like and accept me. In a pastoral role, I had many opportunities to 'smooth ruffled feathers' between friends and couples in conflict and to play the approval game with my church members. Some of this dialogue included such statement such as, "Yes, I know that this weekend is Pro-Life Sunday, but the church will be worshipping in a different way this week. This doesn't mean that the church doesn't think right-to-life issues aren't important..", or , "Sally, I know that the Disney Corporation supports gay rights, but that doesn't mean that we have to boycott ALL Disney Corporations and Affiliates.." In many ways, a church position is very much like being a political diplomat in a foreign country or like that of a politician serving in his/her local jurisdiction. We speak in general terms that we hope will pacify those upset with us and, in the meantime, we make sure to give a handshake to everyone and kiss all the babies. Sometimes, in the name of unity, we say and do things that are in the best interests of our earthly, more influential members, rather than in the best interest of Heaven.
When I was encountering major struggles in my marriage, I felt that I had to assemble a "press release" to my community when answering daily questions about my husband and my marriage. It said, "Yes, marriage is certainly a challenge but God is teaching me many things about the sacrifice of marriage and how He loves us, as a church, within a symbolic, marital relationship." How is that for political garbage? I couldn't share my real heartbreak because I had an image to uphold (or so I felt). I thought that if I share what I really felt, I would be rejected or given poor, trite advice. However, I have been surprised at how supportive my close, female church members and friends have been of me when the bottom fell out of my world.
For instance, I was hesitant to share the news of my divorce with my 89 year old grandmother. When I thoughtlessly told her that I drank a few years ago, she was very upset. I was a PASTOR, for goodness sake, and PASTORS DON'T DRINK! If she felt this way about drinking, what would she think of "divorce" then? When I went to her home and began sharing with her, I started crying. I told her that I knew that I had disappointed her and that she was so proud of me for following God's calling on my life and that I was so sorry for doing this to her and so on and so on. .. Right in the midst of my emotional ramblings, she stopped me, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "Julie, I want you to be happy and you could never disappoint me. I love you." This stopped me in my shame-filled tracks and I was able to look up at her with dignity and honor. She gave me the grace and the courage to hold me head up high. I have experienced this shift in perspective from all of my friends and family. This is empowering me to be authentic and transparent with the people I come across in daily life. I don't have to be political about my own circumstances, I can just be me..in all my chaotic mess! Before I am a Pastor, I am a woman of God, first and foremost! I am dearly loved by my BELOVED!
Today, I speak the "d" word with much anticipation, eagerness, and with very little regret. The termination of this relationship represents the beginning of new possibilities for my future. I am letting go of something unhealthy and am creating space for new and positive opportunities. As Paul states in Philippians 3;12-14, "Not that I have already OBTAINED it or have already become PERFECT, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus...forgetting what is behind, and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press ON toward the goal of the prize of the upward call of Christ Jesus my Lord." I have a new freedom to share with others..how's that for an honest press release to the world?
No comments:
Post a Comment