Breaking Up is Hard to Do

As many artists and poets lament, saying goodbye to persons, places, and things in life can be extremely painful and traumatic. One of my mentors told me that life is a series of events in which you are constantly letting go of what is in the past and replacing it with something new. But, what happens when you have to say goodbye to something that you dearly cherish and there isn't a new "hello" to embrace? You feel like you have jumped off of a cliff and have landed flat on your face. But, instead of dying or making it over to the cliff, you awaken from your shock to realize that your heart and body have been crushed. You are left to bleed and recover in the valley, seemingly alone and in great pain. What makes this experience even more devastating is that all of the memories from the past, good and bad, are not left behind on the cliff, but, rather, have jumped with you into the abyss, leaving you haunted by what could have been and what was.

As I alluded to in a past blog, not only did I have I to walk away from an abusive marriage, but I also had to say goodbye to a thriving women's ministry. That last weekend of ministry has remained fresh in my mind to this day. I had a wedding that I was officiating that Saturday morning, out of town, and I had to spend Friday night away from home for the rehearsal. This was the first wedding ceremony that I was facilitating and I was very nervous. However, my mind was focused on what I was going to tell my women's ministry team leaders later that Saturday night regarding my leave of absence. I was also reuniting with old friends at this celebration and I was self-conscious because I had put on a great deal of weight over the last two years. This wasn't a time where I wanted to draw attention to myself. In a way, I could not wait to get this wedding over with. My own marriage was irrevocably broken and I had to unite my friends in a new marriage covenant under God. Though I was tremendously proud of my friends, I was also terribly grief-stricken about my own set of circumstances. In addition, I had breakfast with my friend's parents right before the ceremony, and, in a loving but not so subtle way, they told me that I should probably go on a Jenny Craig diet because of my weight and, since I was SUCH a pretty girl, they didn't want to see anything bad happen to me. After thanking them for their concern, I quickly recovered, went back to my hotel room, changed and then got ready to officiate and sing for my friends and their families.

After the wedding was successfully performed and the reception was well under way, I immediately headed back to my house to prepare for the team meeting. I remember that, though my heart was breaking, all I could think about was ensuring that the ministry still continued in my absence. I desired to see these women continue to develop and utilize their talents and gifts to their fullest potential. I felt like a shepherd that was leaving her sheep alone in the pasture to fend for themselves. I did not want the ministry that God had allowed me to begin to be hindered in any way by my marital situation. I had already prepared a brief political-church statement to tell them that I hoped would build them up, edify them, and ensure that ministry would ensue over the next few months. My statement went something like this, "This brings me great sadness, but, for reasons having to do with my marriage, I am going to be stepping down from ministry for six months, in order to better deal with these issues, but you will not be left alone, as other staff members will be helping to oversee women's ministries. I want you to make me proud by continuing to do the work that God has called you to do. I want you all to know that I love you tremendously." This statement was not entirely true since I was being mandated to leave my job, women's ministry was being restructured, and things would not look the same after six months. However, my leaders told me, "Julie, we will make you proud," and I knew that things would be okay.

That Sunday morning, I had to announce my leave of absence to my entire team of 25 women and I was nervous again, wondering what their reaction and response would be. I didn't want to cry or break down in front of them because I believed that this display of emotion would betray my anger and shock at how the church leadership had treated me. However, I felt the support and love from these women, in the room, and I knew that God would carry them in the months ahead. Finally, after the meeting, I went to my office, and, with the help of friends, packed up all of my beloved ministry belongings, left my keys on my old desk, and left my job behind. At that point, I contacted the Executive Director, and updated him on the status of the weekend as far as my meetings, my packing up of my office, etc., was concerned. At that point, I was told that I had done a "picture perfect" job of leading my team through this leave of absence situation. He couldn't have done it better himself, and he was proud of me. I could barely get through the conversation without hanging up on him. I quickly cut off the conversation and I proceeded to let my guard down and weep over all of the events that has transpired not just over the weekend, but over the past few months.

I had jumped off the cliff and had submitted to the authority of the church leadership. I had done everything that had been asked of me, which included signing a contract whereby I would not disparage the church in any way, to any one, during the six month period, or the partial compensation that I would be receiving would be terminated. While God's presence was upon me in an incredible way as I said my farewell to the ministry I cherished so dearly, I was left, flat on my face, to grieve both my marriage and my life's vocation. I am still sore from the bruising and my heart is still mending. Though I can get up, rise, and walk a few paces ahead, there is no immediate, new, solid career opportunity to embrace. The memories of the past continue to haunt me-the comments from close staff members that told me that I would "never work in ministry again if I divorced,", or that, "I was being stubborn and hard-hearted regarding my marriage, " or that, "I should just resign from ministry and make it easy for the Elders"…or the comment, when I was holding another staff member's baby that I, "would be that way in a year(pregnant) ", when that person already knew about my painful divorce. I admit that these moments can cloud my vision as I move forward and that they affect my view of the church, on a universal basis.

One thing I do know, though, is that I am in close company with the many spiritual fathers of Christianity. Abraham was called to leave his familiar homeland and become an alien in a new country and, though his wife was barren, was told that his descendants would be as numerous as the stars in the sky. He had to wait decades to see the promise fulfilled in the miraculous birth of his son, Isaac. Then, as his son was thriving, God called Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac, and, not until his fist was raised to plunge the knife in Isaac's chest, did God provide Abraham with a ram to substitute for his beloved son. God's power was also displayed in a mighty way through his prophet, Elijah. In fact, Elijah engaged in a tremendous battle against King Ahab, which resulted in God showing his glory before the followers of Baal. However, right after this miraculous event, Elijah ran into the wilderness- distraught, distressed, and fatigued. King Ahab, with the assistance of his Queen, Jezebel, ordered him to be killed because he had defied their authority. The Lord was with him, however, and provided a ministering angel to attend to his needs. Once strengthened, Elijah continued about his business of allowing God to work through him. There were also many other prophets, such as Jeremiah and Habakkuk, that were told that Israel would be brought into captivity because of their corporate sin. There was nothing that the prophets could do except tell God's story, listen, and weep over their beloved people.

God's servants seem to have a penchant for waiting, wailing, grieving, and suffering from depression. In a way, I guess I am right where God wants me to be. I have had to break up with the familiar and comfortable past and I have to continue to wait for a promising new "hello" to life. May I be ready to extend my hand in confident greeting to whatever God has ahead of me-broken, but not destroyed, bruised but not abused, tired, but not defeated.