Fall colors shoot across the sky and a cool briskness is in the air. Golden leaves, with their amber hues, fall gingerly to the ground and scrumptious turkey is the chief item on each family's menu. Thanksgiving is here, a time to celebrate and express gratitude for the blessings in our lives. The past few weeks have been especially difficult and challenging for me. Nearing the end of my funds for rent, and experiencing silence and rejection in the job market, had played havoc to my peace of mind. My old friends, anxiety and depression, began to replay their old negative tapes in my mind. Their lyrics and sounds were so familiar to me: "Julie, you will never get out of this pit..Julie, you are a loser… Julie, your husband did not want you and no one else will either… Julie, just give up!" I have struggled with anxiety and depression, specifically, for four years. It started with panic attacks and then erupted into full-blown obsessive thoughts. During that time, I had constant thoughts of killing myself, and I could not go to work or leave my house without medication. My journey with these overwhelming companions is a story for another blog, but, suffice it to say, that when one are going through challenging times, one's old fears creep back up to the surface of consciousness.
Being unemployed for over a year does not instill confidence in a person's talents, abilities, and value. I began to equate my WORTH with my WORK- a dangerous thing to do. I questioned whether I truly had anything to offer to the world, with its competitive, 'survival of the fittest' mentality. What does a DIVORCED PASTOR in MINISTRY have to contribute to her community? I was beginning to think, "NOTHING!"
All of this changed, however, when I received an offer of employment on Tuesday evening. Two and half weeks ago, I had interviewed for a position at a local non-profit organization, called "Living Stones Ministries", which assists families struggling with issues of homosexuality. I went into the interview with the ambivalence of the unemployed-wishing that I would get the job, but really thinking that I wouldn't. I had a long chat with the Office Manager and the Executive Director about the position being offered and I found myself strangely intrigued. They desired a qualified person to both run the office, and to assist in taking the organization to the next level. I was very clear with them regarding what I could and could not do, especially where accounting was concerned. I was also clear about my background, since this was a faith-based organization. My words and responses were treated with respect.
I left the interview feeling pleased with my responses, but really thinking that someone else would get the job. In the meantime, I had an interview at Lowe's for a part-time Cashier position. This opportunity was generously extended to me by one of the Board Members of the nonprofit that I volunteer with, "Stepping Stones for Women." However, I was ashamed to go to the interview. My dialogue with God consisted of the following, "Lord, I don't WANNA cashier at Lowe's when I have all these talents to give to you! How am I going to pay my bills? Also, the store is in San Dimas and I KNOW people would see me there…it would be so humiliating! Look how far I have fallen…" Well, I went and obeyed….I didn't want to, but I did.
Tuesday's call altered that job path. However, before Tuesday, my perspective had been changing. I had to be willing to do ANYTHING, to go through ANY door of opportunity that is opened, and to be grateful for EVERYTHING that God had given to me, no matter how small or seemingly "beneath" my expectations that I believe it to be. Though my emotions were still bleak, I knew that all I could do was ride out this wave of uncertainty, with humility and honesty, and still a smidge of whining thrown in for good measure.
Today, on Thanksgiving, I am thankful for that shift in perspective, for the friends and family who guided me to the truth of my situation, and for Living Stones Ministries, who saw something in me worth keeping.
