Large Bather

As I entered the last room of the Renoir exhibit at the Los County Museum of Art, there it was, displayed on a large, neutral colored wall, under fantastic lighting-Renior's last painting, the pinnacle of his career, as hailed by a vast majority of art critics…a portrait of two very large women bathing in the nude! Their creamy skin shimmered with Renoir's masterful use of paint, and their fleshy folds extended from the top of their chests to the top of their knees. These models were statuesque women being celebrated for their heavenly bodies and glorious proportions. This artist desired to evoke and capture impressions of the human body, freeing them from reality and liberating them to encompass universal meaning. Renoir was particularly interested in the female form and paid homage to its capacity for fertility, softness, and gentle beauty, much as the master painters did in the 16^th and 17^th centuries.

When was the last time I paid homage to my fleshy folds? Have I ever celebrated the fact that my body is unique, unlike anyone else's, and designed in God's image? I recently heard a woman say that she had learned to love her body and to see her thighs as vessels that helped birth her children. What a beautiful thought! Those aspects of my body that I think are flaws, are actually the things that make me truly lovely..those supposed flaws are the outside roadmap of my life's course. It is a reflection of both my physical and spiritual journey. This is something to be honored and cherished, not scorned and despised.

I don't know of any woman today that doesn't suffer from poor body image. American society is searching to create a breed of skinny, big-breasted women who don't eat and who exercise fanatically. While health is important and proper nutrition is essential to that health, when can we learn to accept ourselves the way we are?

When I was dating my husband, who is now my ex, we got into a discussion about body image and weight. At the time, I was at a healthy weight and had felt good about my shape. I was proud of the hard work that it had taken to get me that state-emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I remember asking him what he would do if I gained more weight when we were married. I realize now that this may not have been a good question to ask. Some questions are better left unasked if you don't want to know the truth. He responded, "Well, right now, I don't' want to say anything, but you could stand to lose a little more weight." My heart stopped and my mind went back to my overweight childhood, where I was ridiculed and mocked for my weight. I couldn't speak or breathe. How could he say such a thing? How could he be so cruel?

After an awkward silence, we attempted to reconnect in our conversation, but I had to get off the phone and cry. I couldn't believe that he thought I was overweight. In my mind, that also meant, "ugly", "disgusting", "not good enough", etc. I ended up crying myself to sleep and I woke up and immediately went to God with these feelings. I remember saying, "God, I don't know what to think. Please help me and show me what to do." Now, this was truly one of the few times that I actually consulted God on what to do before I started reacting without thought. He directed me to Psalm 139:14 which says, "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your Works" (NASB). God said, "This is what I think of You and that is all you need to know." An incredible peace and confidence spread over me. It didn't matter what my fiancée thought….what mattered is what God and I thought about the matter. Later that day, I conveyed that thought to him and life continued.

Since that point, I have fluctuated dramatically in my weight due to a variety of physical and emotional life. I realize that seeing myself as beautiful will be an everyday challenge and a choice of the will. God's perception of my worth has never changed and it never will, even though society's standard of worth surrounds and condemns me. Seeing the "large bather" commemorated in Renoir's work pleasantly surprised me, reminding me of my own beauty and that of the women around me- faces wrinkled from much laughter, bosoms sagging from nourishing children, eyelids puffed and sunken from shedding tears over loved ones, stomachs stretched from housing unborn children, etc. Today I celebrate my fleshy folds and my "reubenesque" shape…if God and Renoir admire it, why can't I?