Confessions of a Female Pastor

Welcome to my blog!

This is my first foray into the internet world of "baring my soul" and I am looking forward to sharing my insights into daily life with those desiring to read it. I was inspired to create this blog after seeing the new movie release, "Julie & Julia", which depicts how one woman, Julie, used her love of Julia Child and cooking to create a new life for herself. This leads her, in turn, to pursue and fulfill her personal dreams and passions. This is now my turn to begin expanding my world and to share snippets of my life with other women and ministry leaders.

A little about me: I am an ordained pastor who has over eight years of experience in vocational service in my local church, specializing in pastoral care and women's ministries. Until the Spring of 2009, I had the opportunity and privilege of seeing women discover their worth and identity in Christ and learn to express their gifts within the church and their community. However, at the time, I was also struggling in a difficult and toxic marriage. I made the brave choice, after much anguish, counseling, and dialogue, to leave this marriage in early 2009 and, as a result, was placed on a mandated six month 'leave of absence' from the church I was employed with. I was left to explore my emotions, examine my heart, and begin to put my situation into words.

While divorce is an incredibly difficult, grief-stricken process, the most heart-breaking aspect of this journey was the loss of my passion and purpose in ministry. The lack of support and compassion that I received from church leadership has caused me to explore what grace and compassion REALLY mean in Christianity and how we, who are Christians, have much to learn on the topic from Jesus Himself and from the scattered pockets of committed, authentic, wounded believers brave enough to come alongside of those of us on this emotional road.

I have also discovered that there are very few safe places for fellow divorced and/or separated pastors to speak about their personal struggles-their grief, their anger, their depression, etc. Most recently, I went to a local divorce recovery group and found at least two women from my past church attending there! This was no longer a place for me to share my heart..Where would I look now? Do I travel to a place far away from home to experience healing, do I attend a place with people from the church I worked with and keep my mouth shut, or do I remain isolated? I didn't like those options...

Where is there space for pastors and ministry leaders to be authentic and transparent within the Christian community? Are we to suffer in silence, away from our own church body, until we are deemed "worthy" of returning to the ministry? Are we to be forever branded with the scarlet "D" on our resumes because others have sinned against us? I am grateful for my family, friends, and mentors who have created a "safe place for me to fall" in the abyss of my own trauma. This is the environment where I receive value, encouragement, and unconditional love. This is where I have landed and I want to encourage others who read this blog to share with me their safe places of refuge. God is indeed with us and will never leave us...even when other Christians have abandoned us!