Earthquake

 

"How much happier you would be, how much more of you there would be, if the hammer of a higher God could smash your small cosmos?" - GK Chesterton

Disasters are events that come suddenly and unexpectedly into daily life. Disasters are things that cannot be anticipated or prevented. They just HAPPEN…without warning. They often leave devastation in their wake, crippling lives and environments.

Last month, an earthquake of epic physical and emotional proportions came to shake the foundation of my being. Tremors of anxiety rocked me to the core, overwhelming both my body and my mind. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins and I had nowhere to escape from the obsessive, mental thoughts of terror, panic, and death. Visuals of failure, suicide, and shame had me cowering inside my tiny apartment. I was alone, doubting God's presence and believing that there wasn't a purpose to my life. I was scared to be by myself, I was scared to be around people, I was scared of the dark, I was scared to be awake and I was scared to sleep. I was SCARED.

This is not something new. Six years ago, panic and anxiety quaked through my stressful life and brought me to my knees, seeking sanity with an incredible desperation. During that time, I would have given ANYTHING to be normal, with average, positive thoughts. With treatment and time, I became better and stronger. The funny thing is that, this time, I was at the healthiest place that I had been at in my life in six years – emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually. There was NO warning…it just came and knocked the wind right out of me. I just wanted to go back to where I was. Why was this happening again?

However, I was able to recognize the instability of my thoughts and emotions. I immediately reached out to my boss, my family, and friends. Within a week, I had grasped the handles of community, prayer, medical help, and counseling. Right now, with the help of all of these tools, I am taking each day as it comes, concentrating on living in the present, and am examining each dark, negative thought in the light of God's truth. There are days in which the panic is kept at bay and I forget about the anxiety and terror…I feel the wind on my face, the sun shines on my skin, and I feel ordinary. Other days, I make it through the day with white knuckles, my daily dose of Ativan, lots of tears and with my 3x5 cards of Scriptures hanging around my apartment, my office and in my car.

A friend told me that the word "earthquake" in Japanese actually means "rebuild." The very word in English that is a noun describing an end is actually a verb pointing towards healing in another language. God is continuing to rebuild my life. This quake is an opportunity to continue the work that God had begun in my life long ago. It is a sign of healing and not death…of the beginning of something greater rather than the reminder of despair and defeat. There is no going back, but only moving forward with honesty and courage.

As we celebrated this Easter season, I remembered another earthquake that occurred in the New Testament. The Gospel of Mark records that, as Jesus breathed His last breath on the cross, an earthquake shook Jerusalem and the temple curtain was torn in two. His death brought about the rebuilding of new life for all people. That earthquake enables me to access His power during my time of disaster.

Last month's quake will not leave me devastated but will instead serve as a monument to growth. What is being built is a greater love and intimacy with Christ, a deeper appreciation for living in the moment, and a greater understanding of the importance of friendship and community. Though it is still scary, let the process continue…

"Often we're scared to death that if we cooperate with God for healing, it is going to somehow hurt so badly that we will NEVER survive it. This is a LIE from the enemy. "– Beth Moore