Earthquake

 

"How much happier you would be, how much more of you there would be, if the hammer of a higher God could smash your small cosmos?" - GK Chesterton

Disasters are events that come suddenly and unexpectedly into daily life. Disasters are things that cannot be anticipated or prevented. They just HAPPEN…without warning. They often leave devastation in their wake, crippling lives and environments.

Last month, an earthquake of epic physical and emotional proportions came to shake the foundation of my being. Tremors of anxiety rocked me to the core, overwhelming both my body and my mind. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins and I had nowhere to escape from the obsessive, mental thoughts of terror, panic, and death. Visuals of failure, suicide, and shame had me cowering inside my tiny apartment. I was alone, doubting God's presence and believing that there wasn't a purpose to my life. I was scared to be by myself, I was scared to be around people, I was scared of the dark, I was scared to be awake and I was scared to sleep. I was SCARED.

This is not something new. Six years ago, panic and anxiety quaked through my stressful life and brought me to my knees, seeking sanity with an incredible desperation. During that time, I would have given ANYTHING to be normal, with average, positive thoughts. With treatment and time, I became better and stronger. The funny thing is that, this time, I was at the healthiest place that I had been at in my life in six years – emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually. There was NO warning…it just came and knocked the wind right out of me. I just wanted to go back to where I was. Why was this happening again?

However, I was able to recognize the instability of my thoughts and emotions. I immediately reached out to my boss, my family, and friends. Within a week, I had grasped the handles of community, prayer, medical help, and counseling. Right now, with the help of all of these tools, I am taking each day as it comes, concentrating on living in the present, and am examining each dark, negative thought in the light of God's truth. There are days in which the panic is kept at bay and I forget about the anxiety and terror…I feel the wind on my face, the sun shines on my skin, and I feel ordinary. Other days, I make it through the day with white knuckles, my daily dose of Ativan, lots of tears and with my 3x5 cards of Scriptures hanging around my apartment, my office and in my car.

A friend told me that the word "earthquake" in Japanese actually means "rebuild." The very word in English that is a noun describing an end is actually a verb pointing towards healing in another language. God is continuing to rebuild my life. This quake is an opportunity to continue the work that God had begun in my life long ago. It is a sign of healing and not death…of the beginning of something greater rather than the reminder of despair and defeat. There is no going back, but only moving forward with honesty and courage.

As we celebrated this Easter season, I remembered another earthquake that occurred in the New Testament. The Gospel of Mark records that, as Jesus breathed His last breath on the cross, an earthquake shook Jerusalem and the temple curtain was torn in two. His death brought about the rebuilding of new life for all people. That earthquake enables me to access His power during my time of disaster.

Last month's quake will not leave me devastated but will instead serve as a monument to growth. What is being built is a greater love and intimacy with Christ, a deeper appreciation for living in the moment, and a greater understanding of the importance of friendship and community. Though it is still scary, let the process continue…

"Often we're scared to death that if we cooperate with God for healing, it is going to somehow hurt so badly that we will NEVER survive it. This is a LIE from the enemy. "– Beth Moore

 

Cupcake Hands

I have a not-so-secret addiction to reality TV. I confess that I enjoy peaking into the private lives of other people. Exploring the underside of human nature is so intriguing to me, especially when it is not my life that is being examined in a public forum. The other day I came upon a series entitled, "Toddlers and Tiaras" on my Netflix recommendation list. As with any new reality series that I begin watching, if I enjoy viewing the first episode, I am then pulled into the reality vortex of watching the entire season, often in one sitting. Thus, within a matter of a week and a half, I am the proud (maybe?) viewer of all three seasons of the show.

"Toddlers and Tiaras" is like watching a train wreck occur– you know you should look away but you cannot help watching the impending disaster about to take place. This show chronicles the lives of "pageant families", those who have their sons and daughters, of all ages and stages, participating in the pageant process at both the local state and national levels. Often these families spend hundreds and thousands of dollars to have their children go up on a stage and be judged for their facial beauty, poise, and expensive clothes. Kids parade across the stage, doing the perfect turns and twirls, with perfect "cupcake hands" all aligned in a posture of grown up grace, with smiling eyes, fake teeth and coiffed hair….The message that I heard from several of the families and judges were, "Society judges you on physical beauty so you must be beautiful to have a successful life. Beautiful people have easier lives." Some of these children enjoy the process, some do not, and most of them are ill-mannered, entitled, and spoiled.

What I find amazing about the show is the reasoning these parents use to justify having their young children compete in pageants. They believe that pageant participation, over time, will instill confidence and strength in their girls. This will then improve their chances of becoming famous and successful later on in life. How does being judged on physical beauty improve one's self-esteem? How does having a "glitz" look of make-up, glittering gowns, hair extensions, spray tans, manicures, and fake teeth emphasize real beauty? What happens when the make- up comes off and the applause of an audience dies down? What happens when they DON'T win? There is only emptiness, insecurity, and self-loathing.

In no episode was there mention of teaching these young ladies to serve others, to think of others before themselves, to have compassion on other people and to use their intelligence to create their own promising futures. The media already bombards young women with messages on the importance of fame, wealth, sexiness, and physical perfection. Now, the battlefield has entered these homes. I am afraid for this next generation of women as they are being taught to attain an ideal that can never be realized, they are being reared to compete with other women, rather than collaborate with them, and they are being told that they are entitled to be admired by society.

Yesterday was International Women's Day and, across the globe, women were celebrated for the impact they were making within their families, communities, and governments. There are moms who are building businesses in third world countries to provide for their children and for the lives of those around them. There are women battling valiantly with cancer, fighting to both survive and to leave a lasting legacy behind for their families. There are women who are taking in children from the foster care system and giving them a safe place in which they can thrive at all levels of development. There are women studying in school to accomplish their dreams of becoming doctors, lawyers, business executives, teachers, psychologists, authors, etc.

Let's have our young women find their self-esteem and value in service to God and their communities, rather than on a pageant catwalk in front of hungry, ambitious parents. Let's stop cupcake hands and create hands that love, serve, and extend out to those in need. These are the kinds of hands I want to see impacting the world for generations to come.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;
   she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
   and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
   and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
   her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things,
   but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:25-30

Love Life

There is a scene out of the movie, "Under the Tuscan Sun" that captures the essence of Valentine's Day for me. The main character (played by Diane Lane) decides to travel to Italy when her marriage falls apart in the States. While on this trip, she decides to purchase an Italian Villa and restore it. Though the task proves to be daunting, she becomes part of the community around her and begins to heal from past hurts. While there, her best friend in the States unexpectedly comes to see her, heartbroken over a recent break up and pregnant with her first child. Upon seeing Diane Lane's character busy with house renovations and a new relationship, she asks, "Are you sure that it is okay for me to stay here with you? I don't want to ruin your love life." Diane's character responds, "Honey, you ARE my LOVE life."

Today is about celebrating my love life-the family and friends who make my life beautiful and valuable. I already have an abundance of love. Right in this moment. I have all that I need for fulfilling, enriching relationships. I have listening ears that celebrate my joys and wise mouths that raise me out of despair. I have standing date nights with friends when I am lonely and long-distance prayer partners that help me to seek God wholeheartedly. I have family members that stick by me, through thick and thin, and co-workers who seek to spread love to others in need. Everywhere I look, there is love.

Before I was born, however, a higher, more perfect love was waiting for me-in Christ. Unconditional love is mine. There is no where I can go to escape this love and nothing that I can do to earn it. This love IS. I embrace it today and I return this love, imperfectly, back to Christ and to those around me. I am grateful and honored to be blessed with such a love as this.

This love is not only mine for the taking. It is yours as well. Take time to thank those that enhance your love life today. Whether single, married, divorced, old, young, your love life is HERE and rich with promise. Look around you and be grateful. You have LOVE.

Gratitude for a Great Guy

Thank you…..

    -for loving me unconditionally and not caring if I had smelly breath, unshaven legs, or a big stomach. In the midst of every stage of plainness or ugliness, you proclaimed me beautiful. That is     grace.

    -for serving me with frequent dinners, sporadic breakfasts, and almost daily espresso coffee. I was well fed and nourished. The surest way to my heart was through my stomach.

    -for honoring my body and my spirit by setting physical boundaries of intimacy in our relationship. Thanks for respecting both us when I sometimes didn't like it. I was able to wake up each morning     proud and pure of heart.

    -for introducing me to authentic, spiritual community. In the midst of believing that my past experiences made me "unworthy" of ministry, I was embraced by people who cared for my     background and who desired to use my talents for God's kingdom. I had a new spiritual family.

    -for taking care of the oil in my car, carrying any heavy bags that I had at the moment, vacuuming my home, and cleaning up my dog's frequent messes. Each seemingly menial task declared your     care for me and caused my love for you to expand. To date, the only male who had served me in this way was my Father.

    -for extending the love of God to everyone around you, even when I thought they were too weird or odd to "deserve" your time and care. Thanks for humbling me by your actions towards     others.

    -for being an important part of my healing journey in the aftermath of my divorce. After experiencing incredible rejection and neglect, you renewed my faith in men. I have never been treated     with so much purity, respect, and honor. Thank you for cherishing me a precious object of God. This, in turn, has helped me to see that beauty in myself again and to strive for emotional and     spiritual health.

    -for your crazy personality and fun-loving nature. You brought laughter back into my life and an appreciation for the delicate art of the Scrabble game and crossword puzzles. My world has been     expanded after a season of hiding.

    -for assisting me with the excruciating task of vulnerability, encouraging me to share my inmost thoughts and feelings. Your safe haven gave me the freedom to explore and express my heart.

Great guy, thank you for honoring my life through your Christ-like character, and for seeing things in me that I thought were destroyed and forever broken. I am stronger, more courageous, and more aware of love because of our time together. Thanks for being you!

In the Bleak Mid-Winter

The Rugged Pacific Northwest…. I enjoy its numerous fir trees, its lush landscape, and its crisp, clean air. I imagine myself living up in Seattle or Portland, basking in God's creation, and connecting with His people. What I CAN'T ENVISION is surviving numerous days of rain, cloudy skies, and overall gloomy weather. I forget that the lush landscape that I love is due to incessant months of "crying skies". In the short span of two weeks, sunny, southern California became very much like Seattle as we received as much rain in that time as what we will need year round. Celebrating the holidays became a bit of a challenge as I was hesitant to embark onto flooded streets to prepare for Christmas, was leery of strolling past neighborhoods glistening with Christmas lights, and was procrastinating on writing annual Christmas cards to friends and family. All I desired to do was curl up in a ball, listen to the pounding of the rain on my rooftop, and wait for the storm to pass.

I assume that this was what the world was doing at the time of Christ's birth…waiting, longing, and even groaning (as seen in Romans 8:22) for the coming arrival of its King. In the bleakness of night, Christ came to save US, to deliver us from darkness, and to bring us into abundant life. The writer of the classic Christmas carol, "Ol' Little Town of Bethlehem", summed it up with this penetrating lyric, "the HOPES and FEARS of ALL the years are met in THEE tonight." I have never dwelt much on the topic of fear and its correlation to Christmas. I realize that the insecurities and anxieties that plague my life on a daily basis are meant to be transformed into hopeful confidence and purpose because of the humble birth of Christ. Who could have imagined that one seemingly small incident in Israel could have impacted the world so profoundly?...All while the world was still, bleak, and silent.

Today as I bask in clear sunshine and gaze upon snow covered mountains, I anticipate the coming storms in both my physical and emotional worlds. More rain and flooding are headed into our forecast and I know that more of life's challenges are traveling in my direction. Though my first inclination is to run and hide under a familiar blanket, Christ's birth compels me to face my situations with strength and fortitude. As a familiar quote states, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain." May I continue to take dancing lessons from the true instructor, Jesus, and to develop my own unique routine, though rain drops fall and as storm clouds loom.

Thanksgiving

Fall colors shoot across the sky and a cool briskness is in the air. Golden leaves, with their amber hues, fall gingerly to the ground and scrumptious turkey is the chief item on each family's menu. Thanksgiving is here, a time to celebrate and express gratitude for the blessings in our lives. The past few weeks have been especially difficult and challenging for me. Nearing the end of my funds for rent, and experiencing silence and rejection in the job market, had played havoc to my peace of mind. My old friends, anxiety and depression, began to replay their old negative tapes in my mind. Their lyrics and sounds were so familiar to me: "Julie, you will never get out of this pit..Julie, you are a loser… Julie, your husband did not want you and no one else will either… Julie, just give up!" I have struggled with anxiety and depression, specifically, for four years. It started with panic attacks and then erupted into full-blown obsessive thoughts. During that time, I had constant thoughts of killing myself, and I could not go to work or leave my house without medication. My journey with these overwhelming companions is a story for another blog, but, suffice it to say, that when one are going through challenging times, one's old fears creep back up to the surface of consciousness.

Being unemployed for over a year does not instill confidence in a person's talents, abilities, and value. I began to equate my WORTH with my WORK- a dangerous thing to do. I questioned whether I truly had anything to offer to the world, with its competitive, 'survival of the fittest' mentality. What does a DIVORCED PASTOR in MINISTRY have to contribute to her community? I was beginning to think, "NOTHING!"

All of this changed, however, when I received an offer of employment on Tuesday evening. Two and half weeks ago, I had interviewed for a position at a local non-profit organization, called "Living Stones Ministries", which assists families struggling with issues of homosexuality. I went into the interview with the ambivalence of the unemployed-wishing that I would get the job, but really thinking that I wouldn't. I had a long chat with the Office Manager and the Executive Director about the position being offered and I found myself strangely intrigued. They desired a qualified person to both run the office, and to assist in taking the organization to the next level. I was very clear with them regarding what I could and could not do, especially where accounting was concerned. I was also clear about my background, since this was a faith-based organization. My words and responses were treated with respect.

I left the interview feeling pleased with my responses, but really thinking that someone else would get the job. In the meantime, I had an interview at Lowe's for a part-time Cashier position. This opportunity was generously extended to me by one of the Board Members of the nonprofit that I volunteer with, "Stepping Stones for Women." However, I was ashamed to go to the interview. My dialogue with God consisted of the following, "Lord, I don't WANNA cashier at Lowe's when I have all these talents to give to you! How am I going to pay my bills? Also, the store is in San Dimas and I KNOW people would see me there…it would be so humiliating! Look how far I have fallen…" Well, I went and obeyed….I didn't want to, but I did.

Tuesday's call altered that job path. However, before Tuesday, my perspective had been changing. I had to be willing to do ANYTHING, to go through ANY door of opportunity that is opened, and to be grateful for EVERYTHING that God had given to me, no matter how small or seemingly "beneath" my expectations that I believe it to be. Though my emotions were still bleak, I knew that all I could do was ride out this wave of uncertainty, with humility and honesty, and still a smidge of whining thrown in for good measure.

Today, on Thanksgiving, I am thankful for that shift in perspective, for the friends and family who guided me to the truth of my situation, and for Living Stones Ministries, who saw something in me worth keeping.

The Gift to Myself

All moved in. Boxes have been unpacked. Pictures have been put up, linens put away, and the cupboards have been filled with household items. Truth be told, I had unpacked everything within a matter of 48 hours. Yes, you may remark, I am a diligent task-master who despises clutter. I am also a procrastinator and I know that if I don't put things away NOW, I am never going to do it. Thus, there is now a place for everything and everything has been given a place. I feel a sense of accomplishment, a peace that I now have my own sanctuary. I have not stayed alone in my entire 37 years of life. I have always lived with family, roommates, friends, and a former husband. I both am both eager and anxious about this new stage of the journey.

With my recent acquisition of personal space comes with it the stark reality of financial challenges. How am I going to pay rent when I only have a part-time job? (I have been looking diligently, but nothing is happening as of yet.) How can I afford to pay my bills, take care of myself, and pay off loans and credit cards on my current salary? Divested of my former nurturing, healing place, I am now surrounded with the possibilities of failure. Can I do this, Lord? Do I really have what it takes? I began this journey with a sense of adventure and boundless hope. I gave up my wedding rings and received help from my parents to make this move possible. Through a set of certain circumstances, I felt the Lord releasing me from my former place of residence and calling me to take a step out of my comfort zone. As all things are when they are beyond one's sense of security, I felt vulnerable and insecure. I assumed that God had a linear plan of change for my life, i.e. "A then B then C," rather than, "A, then B, then P." It unnerves me when God chooses to work this manner. Can't He just operate in ways that I understand and control?

For the first time since my divorce, I am forced to look to God SOLELY for my source of provision and comfort. My safety net is gone and I have nowhere to go but to HIM. Instead of calling me out and immediately attending to my perspective of urgent needs, He is slowly and painstakingly stripping me of my creature comforts and making me aware of loneliness, hunger, and desperation. This isn't what I signed up for. I thought that after everything I have gone through within the past few years, I would receive complete release and stability. I forget that the righteous (of whose group I include myself rather insecurely and whose membership is only through God's grace) are often persecuted, reviled, fearful, and uncertain. David lived in the wilderness for three years worried that King Saul would find him and kill him. Paul spent years of his ministry in chains, in sickness, and in fear of his life. Abraham was called to sacrifice his beloved son, Isaac, before it was thwarted by God's angel at the eleventh hour and Joseph was handed over to slave-traders and imprisoned before he became Egypt's second in command.

The quiet space of my little apartment surrounds me with both hope and fear. The hope is that this season "to shall pass" and the fear is that it might not. I give myself the gift of grace today to view myself through God's perspective, rather than through the world's eyes, and the freedom to see beyond present circumstances to the promise of a new day. This is what I can do at this moment…no more and no less.